I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
