Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
