becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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