I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Randomize
