how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
