11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
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