How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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