You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
