two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
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She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
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He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
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weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
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