im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Randomize
