I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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