I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
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Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
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