I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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