I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Randomize
