I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
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