please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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