I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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