He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
