we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
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