As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
