can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Randomize
