it hurts more in the daytime
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
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