K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
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