I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
tell me about the fingering
Randomize
