So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
