I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
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