yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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