Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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