Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
