so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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