A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
