Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Randomize
