3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
Randomize
