Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
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