he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
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