So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
Randomize
