just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
