i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
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