C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Randomize
