new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Randomize
