The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
