I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Randomize
