Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Last time I had a one night stand he ended up stalking me for two months.
So you're not picking up this weekend?
This weekend, I am Angela, visiting from Calgary. We'll have to roleplay this.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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