Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
