Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
