the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
