I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
Randomize
