you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Randomize
