yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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