Only a mothe r could love this liver
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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