I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
