found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
